The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
BRING THE BAGELS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
