oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
