How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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