Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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