Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
