Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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