I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
