How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
