the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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