Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
