I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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