no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
