I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
