I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
