Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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