I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
