i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I forget how to act sober
Randomize