Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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