I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
