so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
