3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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