So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
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i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
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FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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