Plan B is the new Plan A
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
