I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
