I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
