Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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