i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
