I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
