he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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