I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's blow job season.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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