I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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