I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
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It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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