The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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