and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
