Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
