Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
