Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
