bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
