Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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