He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
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I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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