Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
