I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
