hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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