highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
