We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
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I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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