saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
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the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
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I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence