I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.