i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
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explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
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Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you