i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.