the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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