Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
