I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
