look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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