4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
