could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
