i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
