I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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