It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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