This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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