He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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