I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
