I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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