Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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