i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
should my penis look like a turkey
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
